Thursday, September 1, 2011

How I one-up Paris Hilton by getting a SLAP watch in exchange for my "fat" clothes

My friend Shan and I have a tight relationship.
Shan and me, breaking hearts

I met her over a year ago at a conference where her personality blew me away. She is hella fun to talk to and has a personality the size of jumbo-tron at half-time. We didn't really become BF's until Spring of this year when I wrote an article for the paper about how she got lost while hiking in Snow Canyon.  Good times. I got to know her really well during these interviews, and now we are tight like...tight things. Shan always jokes that if I ever need another story, she'll be the first to knock over a liquor store for me.

Anyways, one of the layers of our friendship is the the clothes swap. Over the summer, Shan has been inheriting the clothes that don't fit me anymore (I don't mean to make Shan sound fat, in fact she's on a weight loss journey too, and is 1-2 sizes behind me. Funny that it took me 3-4 years to drop the 60 lbs, and it barely took Shan a year. I'm not bitter, I swear. So you see, she gets my clothes when I grow outta them.) And return for clothes Shan introduces me to mild-to-sharply famous people (kinda like cheddar) and once she bought me a SLAP watch.

From this you may learn two things:

Spike hearts me.
1. Yes, my wardrobe could buy you interviews with B-listers and a reinvented 80's accessory on the black market. Suck it, Paris Hilton.


2. She is about to inherit a skirt that I love almost as much as my pet Chihuahua/terrier, Spike.

Seriously. I imagine the hand-off going like this...
Lost inches, gained a SLAP watch.
...I hand her the pinstriped navy skirt (just like the one referenced in Weezer's "Miss Sweeney", [listen to the song on this blog's playlist] which happens to be my favorite song on planet earth. Plus, in my reverie, the song is my soundtrack), and as her hand takes hold of the poly-rayon blend, I won't be able to release it. My mind replays all of our good times together (the skirt, not Shan, although there are many of those too). Like the time a friend did a double take while I was wearing it. Or the other time when I was referred to as a "supermodel" whilst donning this kick-a skirt at a wedding. After a myriad of images, especially one with me running slow-motion through a meadow toward my skirt, just for good measure, I'll finally release the garment with a gasp. My only hope would be that it generates as many compliments and double-takes for Shan as it did for me.
The Weezer inspired skirt

[Oh, Shan. I cannot tell how I loathe to lose this skirt. Take care of it. Treat it like a member of your family your mid-western family. Mostly cuz I'm gonna want it back if I get fat again]

PS. The scale has significantly read 158 all week. I heart that.

Spoiler Alert for my next post: BIG FOOT captured on film during a 5K. Tune in.

Also, will I be able to do a cleanse?
My friend B.C. thinks "no". Something about how I couldn't even get through Atlas Shrugged, so automatically that means I won't read the cleanse book he loaned me. We'll see, B.C. We'll see.
(It better be shorter than Atlas Shrugged and it would help if there was a cameo of Chelsea Handler and a midget. Just saying.)


  1. I can hardly wait for that skirt! AND I will treat it with the reverence and honor it deserves. Plus, what is up with Ben and that Atlas Shrugged book. If I remember he is fairly obsessed with it.

  2. Plus, also, It was 68 lbs. Not that I'm counting or anything....

  3. IDK. He has an obsession. I think it's gonna turn out to be like Edmund Spenser and Queen Elizabeth I.
    B.C. = Edumund Spenser
    Ayn Rand = Queen Elizabeth I

    He'll write an ode like 700 pp long that is an allegory for Rand's awesomeness just like the Faerie Queen. BC's version will have a mountain scene and Bob Dylan tho.

    And sorry. 68 lbs. Which is SWEET! congrats.

  4. I had a skirt like that. It was a black knee-length skirt from Banana Republic. It was slightly flared at the bottom, and it hugged my butt just right. I remember getting wonderful compliments from Harmony the first time I wore that thing. I got skinnier, and the skirt got baggy, so I gave it away. I was so sad to see that skirt go.


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