Friday, February 17, 2012

My whole demeanor can be summed up with a shrug.

If you wanted to know what a bout of depression does to a person on a weight loss mission, I can tell you.

I've been depressed for like a month. Almost the whole month of January. I got some news that freaked me out and landed me in the bathroom, back sliding down the wall, face in hands, tears soaking a whole roll of toilet paper. Multiple times. I can't really talk about the news right now, but it pretty much knocked my world off its axis.

I lost so much normalcy that I nearly lost track of myself. I guess it's been building for a year, but this last revelation elbowed me over a mental edge. I decided I might need prescription depression meds since nothing else seemed to be working. I hate the idea of taking pills to feel better. I'm always so afraid that it will one day not be enough. And even though the Prozac is already making me feel like myself again, I take the lowest possible dosage, and I'm already planning the day that I can wean off of the medication. I'm hoping by the summer, I'll be me again sans meds.The sunshine always makes me smile...on the inside too.

One of the side effects of the Prozac is loss of appetite. So even though I sometimes feel like binging, I can't because I'm not hungry. It's nice, but it has a downside. I don't eat healthy regular meals anymore. I eat sporadically and I eat whatever's around when my appetite finally shows up. I haven't gained any weight. I'm still a steady 150 lbs. My workouts have been waning though. I feel as though my happiness is present, but that my motivation is lessened. I'm not sure what that's called. Where general happiness replaces drive and ambition. My whole demeanor can be summed up with a shrug. I hate that feeling. I mean I would if I wasn't so consumed with apathy. Can a person be consumed with apathy?  I don't know, but I do know that I WANT to care again. I want to care about eating right and regular exercise. I want to be back on the schedule I was, instead of still being in my jammies at 12:35pm and totally unmotivated to even take a shower.

I may only be able to handle these "happy" pills for another couple of weeks before I turn into someone else entirely. UGH. They helped stabilize my mental health for a while, but I don't like the exchange rate. It's like I went from Tigger to Eeyore to Pooh. I bet I'll start looking like him too.

4 comments:

  1. You're not alone. I know you know that, but sometimes it just helps to hear that anyhow. It sucks to be ridden with apathy. That's where I am at moments too. I wish I had some great wisdom to get out of it, but I don't. Instead I just have to have a hope in that it won't be that way forever.

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  2. The apathy part of depression is the worst! It makes it so much harder to get out of the funk because you just don't have the energy to care. You can't even care about not caring. It's a cruel, sticky cycle.

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  3. It's funny that you wrote this today, because I've been feeling overwhelming apathy. I thought maybe it was depression, but I've had no sadness. I'm actually pretty happy. I just have no energy, drive or motivation. Not even for simple things like writing blog posts or texting friends. A shrug is EXACTLY how I feel lately. Can you be depressed without sadness? I've been lucky to never have been depressed before so I don't know what it feels like. I just know I don't feel like myself.

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  4. I'm sorry your hurting right now (((hugs))). I don't know what your dealing with but I can tell you from personal experience that a good part of my depression has always stemmed from not being in control (of whatever it is that's happening). It took me a long time and lots of appointments to figure out something so simple.
    Having said that, I firmly and totally believe that it takes a helluva lot of strength to reach out and take the help you need. Whether it's medicinal or otherwise. It's a lot easier to wallow. Lots easier. And cheaper.

    Hit the tanning bed, that always helped me a little. And then... I don't know. Putting pencil to paper and dumping a stream of consciousness used to help me. Just raw, whatever came to mind, not punctuation, grammar rules, etc. I never had a hard time knowing what was bothering me but I found pretty frequently that when I went back and read what I had written (even minutes later) I was often surprised at some of what had come out. I don't know if it will help you at all, but I know it never made things worse. And that's something too.

    If all else fails just try and remember that perspective is king. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and eventually (depending on what we're talking about), this soul crushing thing will seem easier. And if not easier, than at least more familiar.

    Okay. I'm done rambling now. I love you cousin! I hope it gets better!

    Btw, Jeff is putting in for a few jobs in the Salt Lake area. Who knows, maybe we'll get lucky and you'll get to put up with my dime store advise in person! :-)

    (((hugs)))

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